walk it off.

So you made a mistake, yeah?
Fuck it. Who cares? Not you.
Hold your head high and walk it off.
Don't let them see the apprehension in your eyes.
Don't let them see the flush of embarassment when that topic comes up.
Don't let them see your hands shake as you reach for another glass.
Just take another swig and pretend to forget.
After a while, you will.

karma's a bitch.

I watch your eyes as you try to hold it together; I see the pain and betrayal blur your vision. In a split second, a familiar twinge of guilt rips through me, making me regret for a moment. I force myself to recall the hurt you inflicted on me once, twice, three times and I feel my hear harden and my sympathy shatter.

You brought this on yourself, your started this. You left me in pieces without batting an eyelid, after I put my whole life on hold for you. And I took you back every time you did it, not just the once. Each time I feel further and further, and it hit me harder and harder. I was weak and alone. But not anymore, this time it’s you who has to pull yourself back together. How ironic.

The second passes, and reflected in the despair welled up in your eyes, I see myself. I see my emotionless expression, my blank eyes. Just as you were each time you shook my world and broke my heart. I smile and turn my back, as you once did, and I admit that I gain a small satisfaction in hearing you break down. Karma's a bitch, asshole.

apprehension and disappointment.

I won't wait forever.
We fitted together and it felt natural to be with one another.
You told me I was everything, you promised me the world.
Then you left me hanging, anticipating what was to come.
After some time, I honestly could not continue as we were,
Because I was so tired of the constant disappointment you left me with,
Like a bitter taste on my tongue.
But it turned out I was wasting my time,
Nothing good would ever come of us.
I try so hard to forget, but without you I am so lost.
I can't go forwards, refuse to go back.
Every move I make, I hesitate without you.
I have to move on but I can't help but wonder if I ever cross your mind,
Because every day I think of you and what we could have been.

fragile.

Sometimes my life sucks. There are those days where I just want to run around screaming at people until they lock me away. There are those days where I cry until I physically can't anymore, but I still feel empty. There are those days where I just want to cut myself open and watch as I bleed out, but I just can't bring myself to pick up the knife.

It's been seven and a half months since I cut myself. It started off as a release, but grew into a habit and eventually consumed me entirely. I'm slowly preventing myself from continuing this, but every now and then I just can't help myself. Sometimes I think I'm crazy for doing this to my body, other times it's the only thing that makes sense to me. Life is so fractious and draining so if this helps me get through it all, then why do you care? Because I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all, that's what I'm afraid of.

stay with me.

i don't care what life throws at us.
just stand by me and i'll survive.
i promise to be there for everything,
if you promise to stay forever.
'cause i don't want this feeling to disappear.

there's no use in trying.

if only i could explain the hurt to you, maybe then you'd understand. i'll try but i simply don't have the words to make you understand. it's like the sun on your skin on a fresh spring day, and then the bitter cold of clouds blocking the light from the world. the feeling changes instantaneously, right? that's what i feel, like all of the sudden my sun in gone and i'm plunged into this dark, bitter place. i'm alone with my cynical thoughts, which gnaw away on anything positive. so i'm left with this cycle of misery, chasing me around and around in my head. and there is no escape, only prolonging the pain. because it always comes flying back to knock me down again. no amount of struggling can keep me upright. i'm better off just laying back and letting it beat. there's just no in use trying.

Fool me once, shame on you; Fool me twice, shame on me.

You wanna know why I hold a grudge against you? Here's why... You deliberately ran off with the guy I loved. Yes, I loved him. I. Loved. Him. And you pushed your way through and poisoned everything. In reality, it was you who broke my heart. And in a way, I should probably thank you because you changed my life. I transformed from a trusting, naive girl to a hardened, suspicious bitch. You stole my innocence, and I grew from that hurt. I have you to thank for my bitterness.

So time passes, the hurt fades and scars heal. I finally allow somebody back into my life, and you prick your little ears up and come running back to be a part of the action. Once again, old wounds are opened and deeper than ever. I have a motto; "Never allow your future to be spoilt with regrets" And I, ever the hypocrite, feel regret. I feel regret for ever trying to forgive and forget. Because now I look at myself in disgust for wearing my heart on my sleeve again, just waiting there for you to rip it up once again.

Thank you for allowing me to see your true colours, and for teaching me a life lesson.

yellow brick road.

And I'm waiting just to hear that you've loved me all this time.
I'll wait forever and a day if I have to.
And if you love me with all that you are,
I promise you that for all of time,
I will never give you a reason to doubt me,
Nor forsake you for another man.
I'll lay out my soul on the table,
Bare my true self to you alone.
I promise I won't ask you to give me the world,
'Cause all I want is you.

All I know is when I'm without you,
I feel empty and lost.
Standing by your side eases the pain of being alone,
The burden lifts and we can be alone together.
We can leave the world behind.
Gone are the dark days, the rain and clouds.
Gone are the harsh, calloused shells we lived in.
Gone are the people we hurt, and the ones that hurt us.
Take my hand and walk with me down the yellow brick road.

Lets start over, together.

established 1995.

As the years pass by, we grow closer and closer.
She's my sister, my mother and my bestfriend.
When she smiles, I smile.
When she cries, I cry.
When she hurts, I hurt.
The laughter, the tears and the memories are forever in our minds.
She's my family.
You can't choose your family, and I'm so lucky I got her.

Alexia Salter, I love you :)
bestfriends <3

sticks and stones, skin and bones.

they say it's all in my mind, the reason im like this.
they see my fragile body and protruding bones,
my skin scattered with raised and jagged scars.
their eyes widen in horror and avert from mine.
eye contact is never easy.
i can hear them whispering as i pass, reinforcing what I already know.
its hard to meet people's eyes when i know exactly what they're thinking.

"Skinny bitch."
"Attention seeker."
"Freak."
"She's obviously messed up."
"What does her mother say?"

that's not that part that hurts the worst.
sideways glances and stranger's speculations are nothing to me.
no, the worst part is knowing there is not a thing i can do to stop.
this feeling will plauge me forever, i am completely consumed by it.
this disease has seeped into my mind and emptied my soul.
because every reflection and every magazine cover reminds me that i will never be good enough.

attention whore.

you were a stranger to yourself.
you weren't real anymore, just an act.
but then you grew into the persona, it fitted like a glove.
and you abondoned your former self forever.
you lost yourself on that brightly lit stage.
forgot who you were and became this new person.

we'll see you on the street and call you on the phone,
until one day you will forget us entirely,
and we'll always be the ones you left behind.
this is how you operate,
'cause your an attention whore.

free love and strange faces.

I don't even know your name.
All I know is your hands in my hair, on my arms and legs.
My eyes were empty before they glimpsed you,
I can finally see straight.
We lay beneath the moon on the dew frosted grass,
and watch the planes float on a sheet of darkness.
It could have been hours, days or years,
Time flies by and the earth rotates as we lie in the night.
Like pin-pricks on the black velvet sky
The stars have moved slowly to spell out our unspoken words.
Between the bottles and ciggarette stubs,
You show me a new high.
For a split second I am alive.
Your love will set me free.