Oh wow! I had completely forgotten about my old blog! Have recently rediscovered it, I will make some time to blog again soon! :)

nightlife.

Street lights fall on our faces, illuminating the smiles and excitement.

The night air fills with the sound of heels against concrete, the smell of cheap perfume and cigarettes lingers in the dark behind us.

In our hands we clutch bottles of booze, and the clink in time with our shoes.

The steps up to the door are wide slabs of glinting marble and we sit outside on the cold slabs to finish our open bottles and flick our dying cigarette butts away.

The music from inside is easily heard from the front of the house, and we sashay through the open door.

Laughter and greetings fill the air, barely audible over the bass.

Air kisses and warm hugs are exchanged before we shed our coats and open another bottle. Hours on the patio, dancing and drinking our time away.

Friday night turns to Saturday morning, and we're still going.

With missing clothing and new friends, we sing along badly to the music in between swigs of whiskey.

Sitting out under the stars, it's hard to imagine a better way to spend a night.

It's hard to imagine a better way to spend a life.

raindrops.

in the dark street, i can feel the air thicken

there's a tension and i can smell it.

i look up into the night sky,and then bring my eyes back down to yours.

one step closer, and i can see your hands are shaking.

two steps closer, and i can smell your cologne.

three steps closer, and i can feel your heartbeat through your shirt.

and as the night sky collapses and a torrent of rain pours down onto us,

i feel you pull me closer, hesitate, then touch your lips to mine.

my hands on your shoulders and your hands on my face,

both soaked to the skin.

and your touch is just as sweet as raindrops

i think miss you.

If only you could give me a hint, just a clue as to what you want me to do now.

Because I'm sick of living in the dark.

I'm sick of assuming what you want.

I'm sick of being alone.

It doesn't feel right with you, but it feels so wrong without you.

If you care, then tell me.

If you don't, then just leave me to heal.

Because the scars you left still bleed and the pain I feel runs deep.

17.

Flirty stares and sly smiles.

Loud music and overpriced drinks.

Bare skin and stilettos.

Ragged breaths and pounding hearts.

She likes the change, she likes not knowing.

She likes hearing them cry for her.

She likes being loved unconditionally and giving nothing in return.

She likes the drama and the danger.

She says she has to go.

He begs her not to leave.

Heels click as she walks out without glancing back.

Heartbreak.

Disaster.

Lust.

déjà-vu

I feel like I've been here before.

The icy water surges up to my feet, sending a violent shiver up my spine. The wind squeals in my ears as it blows past me, burning my skin and my hair whipping around my face. The sea air is cold and heavy with salt. It coats my throat and nose, stifling my breath. I see the sand dance and coil up and down the empty beach. The water is dark and rough, unforgiving and cold. Each step into the water cuts my skin, freezing my blood. My hair spreads out in the water, trailing behind me. Tears well in my eyes and spill onto my cheeks, cascading down my face and into the sea.

I have been here before, but something is different this time.

The only thing that is missing is you.

fly high.

The summer sun streams down onto the sea, highlighting the water with bright green tones. The air is thick with a salty heat that burns my skin and makes my mouth dry when I inhale, the scent of sea spray coats the inside of my lungs. The wind whips my hair back and lashes my face with grains of sand. My skin has beads of water coating it, drying into spots of crusty salt and staining my denim shorts. The threads of fabric hanging loose dance against my legs and the feeling of the air sweeping past me makes me smile in pure ecstasy.A group of sun burnt teens look my way and grin at me. One particularly blonde boy calls out to me, but the breeze and the sound of the waves fill my ears and drown him out. My old, creaky board rattles over the cement crevasses and the wheels squeak in protest. A small girl holding her mum's hand skips along and waves maniacally as I skate by. I grin back at her, and bend my knees to let my hand sweep over the ground beneath my wheels. I can hear her laughter from behind me, and I swear at that moment the sun gleams brighter. My bare feet are scraped raw from pushing myself along and my muscles burn from the effort, but I wouldn't stop for the world. Faces and places whip past me, I couldn't care any less. Because when I'm skating, it feels like I'm flying.

acquaintances.

I can't stand to think about it. I want to go back to that moment right before we said goodbye, and beg you to stay. Everything I didn't say, everything I didn't do, it all runs through my head and I kick myself for letting you go. But it's for the best, because through all this time, we didn't really know each other.

worthless.

The feeling of being worthless is the worst emotion you can possibly feel. The feeling of being so wretchedly alone, without anybody noticing. If you die worthless, would anybody care? Who would cry for you? Would it make a differance at all? It's worse than anger, heartbreak or rejection. At least if you feel something powerful, you know that your alive. Being worthless leaves you vulnerable, makes you crave affection or attention. It sets you up to fall, even harder than before. It's a vicious cycle of misery and tears and once the feeling gets into your head, you can't shake it. You just have to wait it out and pray that someone saves you from yourself. Because if they don't then you're evn more fucked than you first thought.

please save me from myself.

leaving the blinds closed, i disentangle myself from the sheets and throw back the covers. head in my hands, i sit alone on the edge of the bed. i remember nothing but the bitter taste of vodka in my mouth and the dull pain in my heart. i stumble down the hallway, tripping and falling to my knees. i stay there, could have been for minutes or hours. i finally bring myself to crawl to the bath and fill it with water. fumbling in my pockets, i realise i've left my smokes in the bedroom. i make my way down the dark hall again and into my room. the floor is covered in cigarette butts and broken glass, carpet wrecked with burn holes. my feet are bleeding by the time i reach the bathroom, but i don't care now.

the sound of my lighter is the only noise in the resonating silence. smoke curls up from my hand gripping the side of the tub, it strokes my face and dances upwards towards the water-stained ceiling. nausea strikes quickly, and i have just enough time to reach the toilet before the inevitable occurs. i can't remember the last time i ate a meal, but i don't feel hunger anymore. i dry-wretch painfully, throat burning, and wipe my mouth on the back of my hand. tears and mascara streak my face, sending drops of black liquid onto the floor. i push myself onto my bleeding feet, force myself to walk to the kitchen cupboard. i rummage desperately through the empty packets of noodles and pasta until i find an unopened bottle of whiskey, a rare treat in this household. i almost smile as i walk back to the bathtub and slip into it.

the cold water shocks me as i slide in, air rushing from my lungs. the hot water was turned off last week, but i don't mind. leaving the bottle on the floor along side my half-empty deck and two dollar lighter, i let my face and hair submerge under the icy water. eyes open, i can see the dim light from the window break through the water. the shimmering light dances on my skin, a moment of purity in my life of misery. i sit up out of the bathwater, and lean over the side of the tub, feeling for my bottle. i finally grab it and prop it up between my knees as i light another smoke. i smile as i open the lid, hearing the satisfying crack of the seal breaking. i take a swig, and with the strong taste i feel some sort of release.


completely alone in life, sitting in a freezing bath and clinging to my smokes and booze. welcome to my universe, ladies and gentlemen.