please save me from myself.

leaving the blinds closed, i disentangle myself from the sheets and throw back the covers. head in my hands, i sit alone on the edge of the bed. i remember nothing but the bitter taste of vodka in my mouth and the dull pain in my heart. i stumble down the hallway, tripping and falling to my knees. i stay there, could have been for minutes or hours. i finally bring myself to crawl to the bath and fill it with water. fumbling in my pockets, i realise i've left my smokes in the bedroom. i make my way down the dark hall again and into my room. the floor is covered in cigarette butts and broken glass, carpet wrecked with burn holes. my feet are bleeding by the time i reach the bathroom, but i don't care now.

the sound of my lighter is the only noise in the resonating silence. smoke curls up from my hand gripping the side of the tub, it strokes my face and dances upwards towards the water-stained ceiling. nausea strikes quickly, and i have just enough time to reach the toilet before the inevitable occurs. i can't remember the last time i ate a meal, but i don't feel hunger anymore. i dry-wretch painfully, throat burning, and wipe my mouth on the back of my hand. tears and mascara streak my face, sending drops of black liquid onto the floor. i push myself onto my bleeding feet, force myself to walk to the kitchen cupboard. i rummage desperately through the empty packets of noodles and pasta until i find an unopened bottle of whiskey, a rare treat in this household. i almost smile as i walk back to the bathtub and slip into it.

the cold water shocks me as i slide in, air rushing from my lungs. the hot water was turned off last week, but i don't mind. leaving the bottle on the floor along side my half-empty deck and two dollar lighter, i let my face and hair submerge under the icy water. eyes open, i can see the dim light from the window break through the water. the shimmering light dances on my skin, a moment of purity in my life of misery. i sit up out of the bathwater, and lean over the side of the tub, feeling for my bottle. i finally grab it and prop it up between my knees as i light another smoke. i smile as i open the lid, hearing the satisfying crack of the seal breaking. i take a swig, and with the strong taste i feel some sort of release.


completely alone in life, sitting in a freezing bath and clinging to my smokes and booze. welcome to my universe, ladies and gentlemen.