fly high.

The summer sun streams down onto the sea, highlighting the water with bright green tones. The air is thick with a salty heat that burns my skin and makes my mouth dry when I inhale, the scent of sea spray coats the inside of my lungs. The wind whips my hair back and lashes my face with grains of sand. My skin has beads of water coating it, drying into spots of crusty salt and staining my denim shorts. The threads of fabric hanging loose dance against my legs and the feeling of the air sweeping past me makes me smile in pure ecstasy.A group of sun burnt teens look my way and grin at me. One particularly blonde boy calls out to me, but the breeze and the sound of the waves fill my ears and drown him out. My old, creaky board rattles over the cement crevasses and the wheels squeak in protest. A small girl holding her mum's hand skips along and waves maniacally as I skate by. I grin back at her, and bend my knees to let my hand sweep over the ground beneath my wheels. I can hear her laughter from behind me, and I swear at that moment the sun gleams brighter. My bare feet are scraped raw from pushing myself along and my muscles burn from the effort, but I wouldn't stop for the world. Faces and places whip past me, I couldn't care any less. Because when I'm skating, it feels like I'm flying.

acquaintances.

I can't stand to think about it. I want to go back to that moment right before we said goodbye, and beg you to stay. Everything I didn't say, everything I didn't do, it all runs through my head and I kick myself for letting you go. But it's for the best, because through all this time, we didn't really know each other.

worthless.

The feeling of being worthless is the worst emotion you can possibly feel. The feeling of being so wretchedly alone, without anybody noticing. If you die worthless, would anybody care? Who would cry for you? Would it make a differance at all? It's worse than anger, heartbreak or rejection. At least if you feel something powerful, you know that your alive. Being worthless leaves you vulnerable, makes you crave affection or attention. It sets you up to fall, even harder than before. It's a vicious cycle of misery and tears and once the feeling gets into your head, you can't shake it. You just have to wait it out and pray that someone saves you from yourself. Because if they don't then you're evn more fucked than you first thought.

please save me from myself.

leaving the blinds closed, i disentangle myself from the sheets and throw back the covers. head in my hands, i sit alone on the edge of the bed. i remember nothing but the bitter taste of vodka in my mouth and the dull pain in my heart. i stumble down the hallway, tripping and falling to my knees. i stay there, could have been for minutes or hours. i finally bring myself to crawl to the bath and fill it with water. fumbling in my pockets, i realise i've left my smokes in the bedroom. i make my way down the dark hall again and into my room. the floor is covered in cigarette butts and broken glass, carpet wrecked with burn holes. my feet are bleeding by the time i reach the bathroom, but i don't care now.

the sound of my lighter is the only noise in the resonating silence. smoke curls up from my hand gripping the side of the tub, it strokes my face and dances upwards towards the water-stained ceiling. nausea strikes quickly, and i have just enough time to reach the toilet before the inevitable occurs. i can't remember the last time i ate a meal, but i don't feel hunger anymore. i dry-wretch painfully, throat burning, and wipe my mouth on the back of my hand. tears and mascara streak my face, sending drops of black liquid onto the floor. i push myself onto my bleeding feet, force myself to walk to the kitchen cupboard. i rummage desperately through the empty packets of noodles and pasta until i find an unopened bottle of whiskey, a rare treat in this household. i almost smile as i walk back to the bathtub and slip into it.

the cold water shocks me as i slide in, air rushing from my lungs. the hot water was turned off last week, but i don't mind. leaving the bottle on the floor along side my half-empty deck and two dollar lighter, i let my face and hair submerge under the icy water. eyes open, i can see the dim light from the window break through the water. the shimmering light dances on my skin, a moment of purity in my life of misery. i sit up out of the bathwater, and lean over the side of the tub, feeling for my bottle. i finally grab it and prop it up between my knees as i light another smoke. i smile as i open the lid, hearing the satisfying crack of the seal breaking. i take a swig, and with the strong taste i feel some sort of release.


completely alone in life, sitting in a freezing bath and clinging to my smokes and booze. welcome to my universe, ladies and gentlemen.

walk it off.

So you made a mistake, yeah?
Fuck it. Who cares? Not you.
Hold your head high and walk it off.
Don't let them see the apprehension in your eyes.
Don't let them see the flush of embarassment when that topic comes up.
Don't let them see your hands shake as you reach for another glass.
Just take another swig and pretend to forget.
After a while, you will.

karma's a bitch.

I watch your eyes as you try to hold it together; I see the pain and betrayal blur your vision. In a split second, a familiar twinge of guilt rips through me, making me regret for a moment. I force myself to recall the hurt you inflicted on me once, twice, three times and I feel my hear harden and my sympathy shatter.

You brought this on yourself, your started this. You left me in pieces without batting an eyelid, after I put my whole life on hold for you. And I took you back every time you did it, not just the once. Each time I feel further and further, and it hit me harder and harder. I was weak and alone. But not anymore, this time it’s you who has to pull yourself back together. How ironic.

The second passes, and reflected in the despair welled up in your eyes, I see myself. I see my emotionless expression, my blank eyes. Just as you were each time you shook my world and broke my heart. I smile and turn my back, as you once did, and I admit that I gain a small satisfaction in hearing you break down. Karma's a bitch, asshole.

apprehension and disappointment.

I won't wait forever.
We fitted together and it felt natural to be with one another.
You told me I was everything, you promised me the world.
Then you left me hanging, anticipating what was to come.
After some time, I honestly could not continue as we were,
Because I was so tired of the constant disappointment you left me with,
Like a bitter taste on my tongue.
But it turned out I was wasting my time,
Nothing good would ever come of us.
I try so hard to forget, but without you I am so lost.
I can't go forwards, refuse to go back.
Every move I make, I hesitate without you.
I have to move on but I can't help but wonder if I ever cross your mind,
Because every day I think of you and what we could have been.

fragile.

Sometimes my life sucks. There are those days where I just want to run around screaming at people until they lock me away. There are those days where I cry until I physically can't anymore, but I still feel empty. There are those days where I just want to cut myself open and watch as I bleed out, but I just can't bring myself to pick up the knife.

It's been seven and a half months since I cut myself. It started off as a release, but grew into a habit and eventually consumed me entirely. I'm slowly preventing myself from continuing this, but every now and then I just can't help myself. Sometimes I think I'm crazy for doing this to my body, other times it's the only thing that makes sense to me. Life is so fractious and draining so if this helps me get through it all, then why do you care? Because I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all, that's what I'm afraid of.

stay with me.

i don't care what life throws at us.
just stand by me and i'll survive.
i promise to be there for everything,
if you promise to stay forever.
'cause i don't want this feeling to disappear.

there's no use in trying.

if only i could explain the hurt to you, maybe then you'd understand. i'll try but i simply don't have the words to make you understand. it's like the sun on your skin on a fresh spring day, and then the bitter cold of clouds blocking the light from the world. the feeling changes instantaneously, right? that's what i feel, like all of the sudden my sun in gone and i'm plunged into this dark, bitter place. i'm alone with my cynical thoughts, which gnaw away on anything positive. so i'm left with this cycle of misery, chasing me around and around in my head. and there is no escape, only prolonging the pain. because it always comes flying back to knock me down again. no amount of struggling can keep me upright. i'm better off just laying back and letting it beat. there's just no in use trying.

Fool me once, shame on you; Fool me twice, shame on me.

You wanna know why I hold a grudge against you? Here's why... You deliberately ran off with the guy I loved. Yes, I loved him. I. Loved. Him. And you pushed your way through and poisoned everything. In reality, it was you who broke my heart. And in a way, I should probably thank you because you changed my life. I transformed from a trusting, naive girl to a hardened, suspicious bitch. You stole my innocence, and I grew from that hurt. I have you to thank for my bitterness.

So time passes, the hurt fades and scars heal. I finally allow somebody back into my life, and you prick your little ears up and come running back to be a part of the action. Once again, old wounds are opened and deeper than ever. I have a motto; "Never allow your future to be spoilt with regrets" And I, ever the hypocrite, feel regret. I feel regret for ever trying to forgive and forget. Because now I look at myself in disgust for wearing my heart on my sleeve again, just waiting there for you to rip it up once again.

Thank you for allowing me to see your true colours, and for teaching me a life lesson.

yellow brick road.

And I'm waiting just to hear that you've loved me all this time.
I'll wait forever and a day if I have to.
And if you love me with all that you are,
I promise you that for all of time,
I will never give you a reason to doubt me,
Nor forsake you for another man.
I'll lay out my soul on the table,
Bare my true self to you alone.
I promise I won't ask you to give me the world,
'Cause all I want is you.

All I know is when I'm without you,
I feel empty and lost.
Standing by your side eases the pain of being alone,
The burden lifts and we can be alone together.
We can leave the world behind.
Gone are the dark days, the rain and clouds.
Gone are the harsh, calloused shells we lived in.
Gone are the people we hurt, and the ones that hurt us.
Take my hand and walk with me down the yellow brick road.

Lets start over, together.

established 1995.

As the years pass by, we grow closer and closer.
She's my sister, my mother and my bestfriend.
When she smiles, I smile.
When she cries, I cry.
When she hurts, I hurt.
The laughter, the tears and the memories are forever in our minds.
She's my family.
You can't choose your family, and I'm so lucky I got her.

Alexia Salter, I love you :)
bestfriends <3

sticks and stones, skin and bones.

they say it's all in my mind, the reason im like this.
they see my fragile body and protruding bones,
my skin scattered with raised and jagged scars.
their eyes widen in horror and avert from mine.
eye contact is never easy.
i can hear them whispering as i pass, reinforcing what I already know.
its hard to meet people's eyes when i know exactly what they're thinking.

"Skinny bitch."
"Attention seeker."
"Freak."
"She's obviously messed up."
"What does her mother say?"

that's not that part that hurts the worst.
sideways glances and stranger's speculations are nothing to me.
no, the worst part is knowing there is not a thing i can do to stop.
this feeling will plauge me forever, i am completely consumed by it.
this disease has seeped into my mind and emptied my soul.
because every reflection and every magazine cover reminds me that i will never be good enough.

attention whore.

you were a stranger to yourself.
you weren't real anymore, just an act.
but then you grew into the persona, it fitted like a glove.
and you abondoned your former self forever.
you lost yourself on that brightly lit stage.
forgot who you were and became this new person.

we'll see you on the street and call you on the phone,
until one day you will forget us entirely,
and we'll always be the ones you left behind.
this is how you operate,
'cause your an attention whore.

free love and strange faces.

I don't even know your name.
All I know is your hands in my hair, on my arms and legs.
My eyes were empty before they glimpsed you,
I can finally see straight.
We lay beneath the moon on the dew frosted grass,
and watch the planes float on a sheet of darkness.
It could have been hours, days or years,
Time flies by and the earth rotates as we lie in the night.
Like pin-pricks on the black velvet sky
The stars have moved slowly to spell out our unspoken words.
Between the bottles and ciggarette stubs,
You show me a new high.
For a split second I am alive.
Your love will set me free.

hunger & hopelessness.

"Hope fuels the mind with energy and a desire to hold on. But once all hope is lost, the mind is deceased and the body will follow"
-Anonymous

Not a crumb is wasted, nor a drop of water spilt. Grimy fingers scrabble at stale bread on the dirty concrete, moving from ground to mouth in a flash. Wide eyes search the floor for a stray speck of crumb or even a small insect, anything to fill the painful hole inside his stomach. But there is nothing. The rice is gone, the maize and flour too. The livestock have been eaten and the once swollen river is now a toxic trickle. The barren land has nothing to offer, and it stands by as its people dissipate. Faithless fathers, crying children and mourning mothers, all abandon their humanity as they cease to exist. Gone is the happiness, the laughter and the light that once filled these people. They are empty now, soulless and detached from the world. They are shells of their former selves; poverty ripped all positivity from them and left them with only heartbreaking, gut wrenching sorrow.

He stands alone amongst a flood of despairing people, and the emptiness fills his gut. It's not hunger; he had learned to block that pain. No, this is worse. It's a wave of misery, poisoning his body as the feeling seeps slowly from his stomach. The dread cramps through him and takes a hold of his heart. As it reaches his brain, he feels a change in himself. He slumps to the ground in defeat, stone cold and alone. Empty eyes stare out of his sunken face as they survey the scene around him. Poverty has broken him, and he too has become a shell. He watches chaos, as the all hope inside him dies.

different.

Everything has changed.
I don't want your approval, I don't want your advice.
It's easier to be my own person than to try and be what you want.
So, fuck you and your ideals.
I'd rather die than to give in to you.

birds in the sky

It's a reminder.
When I see it, I reminisce about days in the past.
Days when I still felt alive.
You used to say,
"You will always be free if you can remember who you are."
But you forgot.
It's okay, 'cause one day you'll remember.
And then we can fly again, like birds in the sky.

Strength & Grace

The small ligaments in the hand tighten as her fingers fan out in a fluid movement. Her tendons in her arm are burning as she forces her elbow to lock straight. Her shoulder blades protrude, causing a sting in her socket, but she stays strong. She bends so that her head almost touches her lower back, ignoring the blood rushing to her head and crunch of her vertebrae. Her buttocks clench as she stretches, her whole body screaming in pain and begging for a release. Her thighs burn, her calves are numb but she knows she will feel them when she removes her silk slippers. Her knee pops under the pressure and her ankle is seconds away from collapsing. Her mind races with the thought of the pain that tomorrow hold, but she has to push it from her thoughts.

Ignore it, empty your mind, leave it behind, just concentrate.

She slowly lifts herself from the balls of her feet onto the tips of her toes. They crack ominously and her smallest toe dislocates from her foot. But she cannot hear it, she cannot feel it. All she knows is the music, soft and sweet, drifting her away from her body. Still in the position and on her toes, she begins to lift her leg. She steadies herself, no margin for error. Her legs make a straight, vertical line and she watches her left foot above her to make sure it is still pointed. She holds for one second, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight. At last, the music stops and she crumples. The aches swamp her mind, she feels every muscle, tendon and bone. She smiles.


So much strength and stamina goes into looking so graceful and poised.

lessons learned

There is no such thing as love. It is a chemical signal in the brain, designed to encourage us to reproduce. What you feel is purely manufactured by your body to make you behave a certain way and react to different situations. Lust, however, is a real emotion. It can be felt one moment and dissipate the next, just like anger or greed. And when the lust is gone, it is often replaced with regret or remorse, and it causes pain and discomfort. It is lust, not love, which causes heartbreak and sadness.

How do I know this?
I learned the difference between love and lust a long time ago, and I learned it the hard way.

surprise

Surprise!

stick up

Give it up.
It's over and you know it.
Stop the struggling.
It will only make things worse
You know you'll never get out of it this time.
You feel it in your bones.
Everything inside you screams to just raise your hands.
I will never let you go.

Surrender to me.

because i love you.

When I first looked into your eyes, I felt a fission of attraction. You smiled at me, and I got flustered and looked away. But there was always something about you that caught my eye. The way you moved your hands, the little laugh you let out before you finished a joke and the spring in your step when you walked my way. Everything you did pulled me in tighter and tighter. There was no escaping this.

At first, we fought. You were rude and I was bitchy. But then it became flirty banter, little jokes that would end in a hug. I thought you felt the same way, I knew there was something between us. But then, as I worked up the courage to tell you, you said it. You told me about this amazing girl, you told me you were in love. I saw the glimmer in your cornflower blue eyes, the same glimmer that I held for you. I pasted a smile on my face, and I encouraged you. Anything for you to be happy.

That was about a year ago. Your still with the same girl, and I can see your good together. But when I see you and her together, I can't help but cringe with longing on the inside. I was willing to give up everything I felt for you, even though I knew I would treat you a thousand times better than she ever could. Just so that you could be happy. And I would do it a thousand times over. Why?

Because I love you.

Growing Up.

As we grow older, we grow cynical and bitter.
One by one, we morph into what we hated and conspired against.
We gradually become ordinary and bland, until we disappear altogether.
You might say now that you'd never lose yourself.
You'll struggle and strive, you'll clutch at your individuality.
And then, you'll become to weak to fight the current.
You'll loosen your grip and watch your soul slip away from you,
Into a crowd of incipid, monotonous clones.
And then, after all the battling of the inevitable,
You'll vanish forever.

games.

Scars and damaged tissue are the physical reminders of how devastatingly cruel you can really be. But the destruction you left me emotionally, that was catastrophic. You tore me up purely to amuse yourself, it was your little game. A game which left me broken and useless. You destroyed the only shred of dignity I had left, with a twinkle in those wide eyes. I couldn't even try to stop you, I didn't want to. You watched my expression flash with anguish, before distanced myself from the pain. I took it all with a smile pasted on my face and my mouth dry, and I watched as you ripped my innocence from me. I just let it all go. Because I know how to play your game.

the end of us.

Once upon a time, you meant the world to me.
You were my safe haven,
I bared my soul for you.
I gave up everything to you with sincerity,
And never asked for anything in return.
I don't understand what drew me to you.
Perhaps it was your the look of permanent anguish in your eyes,
Or our fights which ended in passionate kissing and apologies.
Maybe the adrenaline of how wrong we were together,
Like polar opposites.

I can remember the moment I fell for you.
You were staring from the corner,
Looking out of place and awkward.
Everyone around me stared at you with disdain.
But I saw something else in you.
After a minute of conversation, I saw your heart.
I only glimpsed it before you hid it away from me,
You buried it deep within your tough facade.
But I saw enough of it to know the real you,
The side which I haven't uncovered since that day.

At first, I couldn't let go.
I still miss you.
But I know it's over.

faded ribbon and dirty lace.

housewife.

Truly Beautiful, Truly Ugly, Truly in Love

Sun glimmers on her pale skin,
It's white enough to reflect the rays.
Her red hair is curled and clasped back,
But it tumbles over her shoulder.
Her light rose coloured dress skims her thigh,
As she perches on the sill, legs crossed.
Her brilliant green eyes sparkled with tears,
As one tear cascades down her cheek.
He will never see her for what she is.

Truly Beautiful.


He left her at the window sill,
Watched a single tear spoil her composure.
There were no words or final goodbyes,
He turned on his heel and found himself home.
She was there waiting,
All slippery smiles and blonde hair.
Gestures him towards the bedroom,
But he slowly shook his head.
Her foul mouth snapped at him,
Blue eyes flashing with malice as she stormed away.
He gathered his keys and wallet,
He saw her for what she really was.

Truly Ugly.


He ran back to the sill,
The sun no longer shone.
She sat there still,
Eyes dry and face still as she watched him run towards her.
He blew out a long breath,
Ready to spout out all the apologies he had run through his head.
She stopped him just before he could begin,
a slender finger to his lips.
Her eyes bore into his,
And there were no secrets or hidden feelings.
She pulled him in,
And he trembled as their lips met.
Their bodies entwined,
And her fingers grasped his hair.
No words needed to be said,
They both felt it completely

Truly in Love.

Why, Hello Traffic!

night rider.

escaping the daylight.
enraptured in dark.

the girl with the 35mm.

she never knew what was coming.
she carries her camera as gently as a child.

hold your breath.

the sun's rays prickle my skin, the warmth spreading thorough out my body. naked feet brush over the crisp grass and barely clad bodies run through the sunlit park. smiles and laughter are thrown between us. the lake sparkles invitingly ahead as sand invades my shoes, which are removed and flung in a pile of clothing. hand in hand, we sprint towards the water. the cool water closes over our faces. the contrast between the warm air and cold water shocks me and i automatically look to you. under the water, your face is blurred. i can still see your eyes, as blue as cornflower. your lips move to reveal white teeth in a cheeky grin, your own little trademark. its my grin, its purely for me. its why i love you. you pull me into you as we surface. still grining and still hand in hand, you touch my face gently before our lips lock.

hold your breath.

we're going under.