fly high.

The summer sun streams down onto the sea, highlighting the water with bright green tones. The air is thick with a salty heat that burns my skin and makes my mouth dry when I inhale, the scent of sea spray coats the inside of my lungs. The wind whips my hair back and lashes my face with grains of sand. My skin has beads of water coating it, drying into spots of crusty salt and staining my denim shorts. The threads of fabric hanging loose dance against my legs and the feeling of the air sweeping past me makes me smile in pure ecstasy.A group of sun burnt teens look my way and grin at me. One particularly blonde boy calls out to me, but the breeze and the sound of the waves fill my ears and drown him out. My old, creaky board rattles over the cement crevasses and the wheels squeak in protest. A small girl holding her mum's hand skips along and waves maniacally as I skate by. I grin back at her, and bend my knees to let my hand sweep over the ground beneath my wheels. I can hear her laughter from behind me, and I swear at that moment the sun gleams brighter. My bare feet are scraped raw from pushing myself along and my muscles burn from the effort, but I wouldn't stop for the world. Faces and places whip past me, I couldn't care any less. Because when I'm skating, it feels like I'm flying.

acquaintances.

I can't stand to think about it. I want to go back to that moment right before we said goodbye, and beg you to stay. Everything I didn't say, everything I didn't do, it all runs through my head and I kick myself for letting you go. But it's for the best, because through all this time, we didn't really know each other.

worthless.

The feeling of being worthless is the worst emotion you can possibly feel. The feeling of being so wretchedly alone, without anybody noticing. If you die worthless, would anybody care? Who would cry for you? Would it make a differance at all? It's worse than anger, heartbreak or rejection. At least if you feel something powerful, you know that your alive. Being worthless leaves you vulnerable, makes you crave affection or attention. It sets you up to fall, even harder than before. It's a vicious cycle of misery and tears and once the feeling gets into your head, you can't shake it. You just have to wait it out and pray that someone saves you from yourself. Because if they don't then you're evn more fucked than you first thought.

please save me from myself.

leaving the blinds closed, i disentangle myself from the sheets and throw back the covers. head in my hands, i sit alone on the edge of the bed. i remember nothing but the bitter taste of vodka in my mouth and the dull pain in my heart. i stumble down the hallway, tripping and falling to my knees. i stay there, could have been for minutes or hours. i finally bring myself to crawl to the bath and fill it with water. fumbling in my pockets, i realise i've left my smokes in the bedroom. i make my way down the dark hall again and into my room. the floor is covered in cigarette butts and broken glass, carpet wrecked with burn holes. my feet are bleeding by the time i reach the bathroom, but i don't care now.

the sound of my lighter is the only noise in the resonating silence. smoke curls up from my hand gripping the side of the tub, it strokes my face and dances upwards towards the water-stained ceiling. nausea strikes quickly, and i have just enough time to reach the toilet before the inevitable occurs. i can't remember the last time i ate a meal, but i don't feel hunger anymore. i dry-wretch painfully, throat burning, and wipe my mouth on the back of my hand. tears and mascara streak my face, sending drops of black liquid onto the floor. i push myself onto my bleeding feet, force myself to walk to the kitchen cupboard. i rummage desperately through the empty packets of noodles and pasta until i find an unopened bottle of whiskey, a rare treat in this household. i almost smile as i walk back to the bathtub and slip into it.

the cold water shocks me as i slide in, air rushing from my lungs. the hot water was turned off last week, but i don't mind. leaving the bottle on the floor along side my half-empty deck and two dollar lighter, i let my face and hair submerge under the icy water. eyes open, i can see the dim light from the window break through the water. the shimmering light dances on my skin, a moment of purity in my life of misery. i sit up out of the bathwater, and lean over the side of the tub, feeling for my bottle. i finally grab it and prop it up between my knees as i light another smoke. i smile as i open the lid, hearing the satisfying crack of the seal breaking. i take a swig, and with the strong taste i feel some sort of release.


completely alone in life, sitting in a freezing bath and clinging to my smokes and booze. welcome to my universe, ladies and gentlemen.